A loner’s day out

Since the hectic level of our lives recently got heightened up to an extensive level, most people do not really have time to spend time with one another. Most have their own plans and some are left behind. Well, in my case, I am the one being left behind here and I decided to do things on my own. Yeah, so what if people cannot accompany you? Just be by yourself then. Well, being a loner is no stranger to me and my latest endeavor was going to watch a movie all by myself at a distant mall.

The plan was done the night before so that I will not be nervous or clueless. After that, woke up at the wanted hour and got ready, I made my move. Got on the bus and then the rain, which was surprising since it was not crowded. People do not go out on weekends anymore? Then, I reached my destination.

Here is the pivoting moment. I was jaywalking down the station when I was stopped by a group of sellers, or should I say conguys (conmen is just so sexist!) and were asked to support their cause and buy something. Darn it, they con me RM50 for a cheap perfume. Well, the silver lining is I got myself a new perfume! Been wanting to get one for quite some time. Then, I needed to withdraw some money since the one intended for the outing was wasted on the false cause. Here, I saw one of the thing I hate the most; people who don’t know how to queue up. Hello! Just because you don’t feel like queuing up does not mean you should not queue at all.. bastards! After much internal swearing, it was my turn and withdrew some money with great reluctance..

Then, I queued up again, this time around at the movie counters. Why God why must I meet annoying people. This time around, people who don’t know how to move in a line and made up their mind quickly. Dude, you’re not moving and is causing a traffic standstill behind you! And for the other group, please made up your mind, not discussing it once you are at the counter.. stoops.. finally got my ticket and have extra time to spend.. What to do now?

Walked.. aimlessly.. till I found.. JuiceWorks.. yeay, time to try the smoothies and spend some time reading.. bought one and get myself the card because I believe I will be a frequent visitor. Hehe.. than, I picked a place and decided to bring out the book that I have brought form home and start reading. Seriously, this is how you should spend your free time.. read, not doing nothing (note to self and others). Then, the time came for the movie to start. Get into the hall and wait for the movie to start. Was anticipating for trailers but all I got was bunch of ads that were to no importance in my life.. pfft.. then, the movie finally started and I watched it.. hmm, rather underwhelmed.. it somehow took away the fear in me. Once the movie was over, I decided to just make a move. Nothing else to be done. Yes, I am that simple.

Taking the train back. Hoping everything will be alright. Please, who am I kidding? I tend to get something on me. Like a nasty harassment in the train. Huhu.. seriously, it sucks! Luckily it was only for a short period but traumatising none the less. Finally reached home. With electricity restored.

That were what happened to me when I went out alone for a walk. Many things. Unexpected and expected but all add up to my experience book. Huhu, life is short.. relatively it is long.. whatever, just try everything..

*lonely*

life and how has it been treating me..

okie, sorry that i dont really have time to update this blog. well, first of all i dont know whether they are people reading this blog. whatever, it is not like i write for the sake of others to read. i write because i want to do so.anyway, the business of today's life is the reason behind the abandonment of this blog.

anyways, weekends for me now is a dinosaur. it is something that has extincted in my life and i am in great need to revive it. i spent most of my weekends nowadays at my faculty, doing work. well, i dont want to say this as a bad thing as i am earning money but what do i have to pay to earn that meager amount of money? my youth time and freedom. well, i guess it is kinda usual for people to sacrifice those things for money nowadays. besides, what can i really do since i dont really have friends who go out in the weekend. in other words, i am not complaining at all.. yeah right!

what i need the most at the moment is rest. well, some have been asking me why do i look so messed up? lack of rest do such thing to you okie. i even have a red eye to show how much rest am i lacking. however, somehow i repaid everything last night i think..i slept for the total of 12 hours.. 10 to 10.. haha.. luckily i got no class to attend at all today.. if not, i shall die!

then, since the break is coming, one thing for sure is tests! exactly, they just need to finish as many tests as possible before the break.. am currently studying for one.. wish me luck okie! tata for now.. see you later..

*tired*

Trying once again..

My first true love was when I was 16, back in secondary school. It was a long time friend who had the hearts for me for quite some time but I never took notice since I was busy with chasing other people. Then, one day, when I was recovering from a severe breakup with someone that I thought was my real love that cheated on me, the person made a physical confession to the heart feeling. To be honest, I cannot digest it at first as we were friends since all I can remember but I said to myself, let us give love a try. It was the right decision to make.


The first few months were full of awkwardness as the transitions were still going on. It was not easy to change the perspective. From just a mere friend to someone whom you cherish and love with all your heart. But as time goes by, I got the hang of it and started committing seriously. A lot of sweet and bitter moments then were created and shared. A lot of memories were gathered and a lot of heartaches and tears were felt. But, we were severely in love with each other.


Then, fate played its game. We were separated by our way of life. The choice we made after secondary school. I chose a course that required e to go to a different state and so as the person. Longing set in and at times, the missing was just unbearable. With the absence, new presences were felt. New interests were developed. The whole foundation of our relationship was shaken. In the end, love ruptured drastically on the ground without any of us realizing it. It ended after two and a half year of being together.


We remained friends after that. But later, we strayed from each other. It was by the person’s wish as it is difficult to look at me in different way than the way we have seen each other for the duration we were together. Then, we both found new love and move on with our life. The memories remained still and no longer cherished. Have no idea what the person went through but I had several relationships. Serious relationships that I really commit and hoped for it to succeed. But after another severe breakup, this time a three year old relationship with someone that I see more than just a partner, a confidante and someone I can rely on, I seriously felt weak. I had no one to hold on to.


Until that one day when I decided to give the first love a call. A decision I made from a weird intuition I felt deep within me. The person answered the phone and we catch up with each other. We talk on a lot of things but one topic that we cannot escape was love. I told that I am not affiliated with anyone anymore. The person said ditto. Then, the question was popped.


“Will you be with me again?”
“errr.. give me some time please? I need to think first”
“Sure. You love this game since before right? You just love making me wait for you”
“*awkward silence*”


To be honest, I am puzzled. There was a reason why our relationship failed earlier. I do not know if starting again is a smart thing to do. But after much deliberation and thinking of what harm will it bring, I have come to a decision. Let us give it a try again. This time, through the thick and thin. And if it fails again, at least we have tried. I hope this is the right thing to do.


*learning to love again*

Stable and convergent..

Life is lived with some rules. Both written and unwritten, but known to the people. Some were passed from one generation to another and, some were recently created. But, being a member of a society, we are forced to accept these notions and rules despite it might go against our most innate desire and persona. Yes, I believe most of us would say that the personality is based on the teaching we have received while growing up, but deep inside, has it ever crossed your mind, who sets all this thing up? Why are we wanted to act in such a manner and not another? Why it is okie in our culture and not in others and vice versa? These are some of the questions that are always in my mind and constantly disturb me. Why must we conform? Is it the promise of stability? Do we need to be convergent? To be the same like others? To be uniform? To be of no different, just another copy of what the society wants their members to look like? Is that all to life? To be the same and act no different? Is that all?

*think*

Dude, be responsible..

Looking at the title, it looks like I am writing about unwanted pregnancy and advising the scumbag fathers to be responsible. Well, if that is your guess, you got it wrong. Actually I am writing about take some weight on your responsibilities. Responsibilities here let it be of a student, worker and even a mere human being. We all have responsibility. I am somehow quite, yes quite, dedicated to the things that I do in daily life. My studies, I take them seriously, my work, I do them wholeheartedly although my heart is not a whole when it comes to the topic of working while studying. But I hardly take my responsibility lightly. Not to say I am better than most people, I do take things lightly at times too. But when you are given a responsibility, please take serious note on it. Do not act as if there is nothing going to happen to your surrounding if you decide to ignore your responsibility. Things will be affected you know! And other people might have to suffer because of you. You may do not see the harm but for those who feel it, it can be an unnecessary burden to them. So please, take your responsibility seriously. You might think it is okie for you to ignore the responsibility. But please be reminded to the chain reaction and the karma. The chain reaction is wen you decided not to execute your responsibility well, the person nearest to you will be burdened by it, and then, the person will add burdened to the next person and finally, it comes back to you. Especially in office scenario when one event leads to another and finally the actual culprit is caught in the end. Usually, this will end in a bad note. Hate, disgust and so many emotions that bring the negative vibes are to be present at the place. As for the karma part, what goes around comes around, what you do today; people will do it back to you someday. So, think carefully before you decide to do this. The reason I am writing this is because I have had enough of people doing this to me and I am the victim of job negligence. My workload piled up for no apparent reason and I know who to take the blame but I cannot say anything because the person is just too defensive and stupid, mind my manner. Gosh, when will the person realized that it is not others who have problems, it is him who is the problem.

*infuriated and burdened*

I am scared but I like you..

For those who knew me, crushing on someone is one of my things. I can go crazy over someone if the person fits the criteria I set for the one I want to be with, even if I never said a word or even be in actual contact with the person. With that being told, at the moment, I do like someone and I think I am having quite a major crush on the person, although not as severe as the previous crush I had. The person fits the criteria well. Especially the cheekbones part. Yup, that is a fundamental aspect for someone to be my crush. High cheekbones are a must! Back to the story, the person looked a lot like many of my previous crush and not particularly that distinct. That is what we call taste people, hence the same look over and over again. Behavior-wise, the person is okie with a touch of snob. Just perfect. Haha. Well, that is all I can say about the person since I am not that close with the person. Here comes the weird part. The person knows about the whole situation. Okie, not that weird although I rarely ogle at the person clearly and when I do, I make sure it is extremely discreet. What? You cannot stalk at someone obviously. It is against the rule of stalking! But the weirdest part here is the person somehow tries to take control of me. Whenever we met, I will need to greet him and shake the hand. The person actually instructs me to do as such. It is as if we are something. What? Who gave you the right to control me just because I am crushing on you? You should just let me be because I do not want to be in your arms and be your ‘someone’. I just want to stay as a fan and that is it. Sheesh, some people just do not know the line that they should never cross.. Maybe some of you would think that maybe it is just common gestures or the person actually wants to be more than just a fan and a crush. But for me, it is beyond the boundary of comfort already and I am currently backing off. But to stumble upon each other or just to look at the person from a distant is just heart melting like usual.. haish, internal conflicts!

*scared but loving*

just because..

people make assumptions. at times, the assumptions are smart and on spot, while on different occasions, no where near the real thing and is considered dumb and non-intellectual. this assumptions usually decides or at least help the person to decide on how to treat some people who they had assumed to act in such ways or have some ways of thinking. to be honest, being assumed for something you are not sucks. like real bad sucks. it irritates the hell out of me for people to treat me as if i have no knowledge about what they are talking about jut because i don't show or present myself like i know the stuff. have the courtesy to ask please? at least know your audience before you start bombarding them with knowledge that are redundant for some of them. yes, i admit there are people who do not know about the things, but from the gaze i observed from quite a large number, i can sense that they actually felt the same irritation. so, please, know your audience by heart. do not assume. assumptions may be right, but the reality might have a twist that we have yet to know.

*irritated*